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Police Department Answering Machine

Hello, you have reached the ____________ Police Department Voice Mail.

Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive.

Please select one of the following options:

- To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press 1.

- To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.

- To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

- If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

- If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.

- If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

- To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.

- To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge and pay our salary, or proclaim our career is over, press 8.

- To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times